


Would you hold me?

by vixx_trix



Category: VIXX
Genre: Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, basically fluff, friends to lovers?, jealous bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vixx_trix/pseuds/vixx_trix
Summary: PREVIEW________________________________[ Hongbin ]God, I can’t remember how many times I had to hide my true self. Why did it matter to others how I felt?[Ravi]Who even am I? And why do I have these intense emotions?____________“I wanna ruin our friendship, we should be lovers instead!” Hongbin screamed at the older boy standing next to him in silence. His sound echoed though out the empty parking lot, starting to fade off as the snow kept falling.“I..I don’t know how to say this. Because you..you’re really my dearest friend,” he faced the other boy, staring right into his empty brown eyes. Ravi smiled and pulled him closer into a hug, kissing his forehead.“No worries. We can be lovers instead.”....
Relationships: Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Hongbin





	1. why are you..?

May 14th

[Hongbin]

Not only was it late at night right now, and the other members were sound asleep, Hongbin was again kept up by the hard rain on the windows. For the longest time he loved it when the rain hit the windows and sleeping when it’s raining, but for some reason it just seems so bothersome now. It was only the first day at the dorms and the beginning of his journey through being an idol, but the anxiety just kept him up. The thought of being perfect and amazing to others was overwhelming.

He sat up from his bed, scanning around his empty room, only to see his few unopened bags. There was supposed to be another boy sleeping with him here, but he won’t move in until later tomorrow or in a few days. He sighed and checked the time,  _ 2:34 am...  _ he really needed to sleep. But why should he? The first maybe few days were just getting used to the dorms and getting around the company, so he could just pull an all-nighter. 

[Hongbin]  _ Maybe listening to some music might help… _

And so he grabbed his phone and his 5-year-old, almost worn out earbuds and jammed out to some tunes. The rain seemed calmer now that he was getting his mind off the anxiety somehow. Just the thud of the rain made him happy now, he felt more relaxed as he felt his eyes close slowly and drift into a dream-like state. 

___________________

A few hours before, in a different location...

[???]

“Yeah, yeah, Mom! I’m packing right now!” The young boy shouted from his room, shoving a bunch of his t-shirts and hats into multiple suitcases. Maybe he was just too anxious about this, he WAS only moving into the new dorms later in the day after lunch. He had plenty of time to prepare, but he just felt the need to get prepared early. 

_ Alright, check. T-shirts, underwear, socks, sweatshirts, and pants… I think I got all the clothes.  _

He looked around his room, which was covered in Nirvana posters and his mother’s old records. Oh, how he was going to miss this room of his. He was moving into the new dorms since he had passed the audition to be in the next k-pop group. But since he was busy on the day the other members had moved in, he couldn’t come on that day. He wondered who the other members could be, were they all nice? Could they possibly be into Nirvana like him? Maybe even some newer groups?

“Ugh, whatever. I should sleep..” He sighed, changing into his oversized shirt and sweatpants. His heart was excited, but his mind was panicking about what could possibly happen. He didn’t want to leave his family, but he had to, this was his dream. It’s the only way to reach that final dream step. He finally got comfortable in his bed, and as he was about to turn off his mini light, he heard a knock at his door. It was probably his mom coming to say goodnight for the last time in a while. And he was right, she came in with her pyjamas and a glass of water. 

“Get some sleep sweetheart, you know that your dad and I love you. Goodnight, Wonshik,” She caressed his fluffy hair, which he chuckled and pulled her hand away. 

“Okay, mom. Goodnight.”

_______________________

The next day; 3:02 pm

Everyone has been chilling around the dorms for a while, everyone had introduced themselves already yesterday briefly. But the CEO decided to make us introduce ourselves again with more detail, especially since the new guy is joining in. Hongbin had already run into one of the members, he was one of the more intimidating ones. Tall with broad shoulders and he also had a poker face, which made him even more scarier. But for the most part, he was pretty quiet, he never spoke much unless he needed to. But for the others he didn’t really know much about, he had forgotten most of their names. There were 4 members in the dorms at the moment, The poker face dude, a shy timid boy, a quiet boy who had really pretty fluffy hair, and the leader. The leader is what they told them he was going to be, so Hongbin just called him ‘Leader’. He didn’t know everyone’s positions just yet, but he guessed that those 4 were at least vocals. Hongbin ruffled up his long, messy hair, just to get somewhat prepared to meet the last member. He was told that he just couldn’t come yesterday, so he was coming today later in the day. Hongbin could only guess what he looked like, he could be anything. It was pure silence in the dorms, most of us were on our phones. It seemed like time slowed down, a minute felt like an hour and an hour felt like a year. But as they all waited impatiently, the CEO had finally come in. Everyone stood up and bowed at the CEO.

“Alright, Boys. So sorry to keep you waiting for this long. The newcomer had some issues with time and he couldn’t make it to the dorms yesterday.” While he was speaking with all of them, Hongbin noticed a boy standing outside of the door, holding multiple bags. He looked like he was wearing pajamas, but the beanie he wore and the shoes he wore made it look like it was his normal clothes. Hongbin could tell that he was nervous, he was fidgeting with his phone and sighing deeply every few seconds. 

“Wonshik! Come on in!” The CEO called. The boy poked his head through the door cutely, making all of the members stare at him as he walked into the door. He put some of his smaller bags down and bowed at everyone, the other members did the same. Now that Hongbin could see him clearly, he was really cute. He looked like a little puppy, which made his heart warm. But for some reason he wanted to hate him, it was like a force was making him angry just by looking at the new kid. 

The CEO bowed at everyone and left, leaving the final 6 boys in the room. It was a loud kind of silence, everyone was nervous about talking with others because they had just gotten their final member. One of the boys chuckled and held out his hand

“I’m Jaehwan. You must be Wonshik, correct?” He smiled widely, it seemed as though the room finally lit up somehow. Wonshik stuttered and nodded.

“Y-Yes, I am. But please, call me Ravi,” 

“Oh so we go by stage names now?” The smaller and timid boy finally spoke up.

“I’m assuming so. I guess we should fully introduce ourselves. I’m Hakyeon, but I go by N,” The leader began, he pointed to Jaehwan. 

“I go by Ken,” 

Then everyone else went around, Sanghyuk was next to Jaehwan, he went by Hyuk. The poker faced dude was named Taekwoon but he went by Leo. Then Hongbin introduced himself, but he just wanted to go by Hongbin since he didn’t know what other name he wanted to go by. Hyuk chuckled and hopped into the kitchen, making everyone else go their own ways. The room finally felt somehow lively, Hakyeon was trying to get Leo to talk and Ken was showing Ravi around the dorms. Hongbin just sat on the floor with Hyuk, making small conversations and laughing at small things. Hyuk seemed so nice, he was so cute and little. He overheard a few conversations from other members, but mostly from Ken telling Ravi a crap ton of things about himself. 

But as the day was slowly coming to an end, everyone was also getting somewhat tired. Eating dinner with everyone seemed awkward at first, but thankfully Leo knew how to cook and made some ramen for all of them. Ken was making sure the conversations were lively and not boring. Hongbin felt his heart finally ease up and began to have conversations with everyone. Ravi seemed lightened up too, he was smiling a lot too. 

[Hongbin]  _ What is this that i’m feeling? _

_ Huh?  _ Hongbin stopped in his tracks as he was trying to talk about something.

“What? Why did you stop suddenly?” Hakyeon commented. 

“Oh sorry, I kinda buffered there for a moment” Hongbin chuckled nervously as he continued their conversation. 

*****

[Hongbin]  _ What the actual hell was that? Why did I stop like that? And why was my heart doing weird things?  _ Hongbin couldn’t get that out of his head as he laid in bed while Ravi was unpacking his things. He was moving so many plushies and pillows into the top bunk bed, he seemed like he’s touch starved. That’s what Hongbin assumed because most of the people he knew that slept with plushies were touch starved. He grabbed his phone and earbuds but just as he was about to plug them in, Ravi interrupted.

“Hongbin. That’s your name right?” 

[Hongbin]  _ What? Why is he asking that?  _

“Ah, sorry. Dumb question I know. I just don’t know how to start convos sometimes,” 

“That’s no problem. I’m bad at conversations too,” He chuckled. Wonshik finally closed one of his suitcases and sighed deeply. He could tell that he was tired from moving all that stuff.

“H-Hey, how about I help you?”

“No no it’s okay, lay in bed. I’ll finish unpacking tomorrow,” Ravi seemed like he was zoning out, his voice was even deeper than before. It made Hongbin get butterflies in his stomach, he had never heard such a deep and growly voice like that before. 

[Hongbin]  _ But what the hell is going on with me? _


	2. you care about me?

_May 24th_

Everyone was finally sound asleep, not a single noise went throughout the house. Except for Hongbin’s heavy footsteps running as fast as he could from the company. He didn’t know why he was running, or maybe he did know. Their debut was only in a few weeks and all the stress of learning choreography and teachings came back to him. How was he going to focus with this much shit in his head? But either way, he was running far into the deep night, not even looking back once. He figured that since everyone was asleep, no one would notice that he was gone, only if he came back to the dorms on time. For some reason he was also crying, not forcefully, but just tears streamed down his face. It was weird, and he couldn’t see anything in front of him, so he decided to stop by a near by children’s playground. No one was around so he could maybe finally cry in peace. He just prayed that none of the members would come looking for him, he wiped his eyes and just stared at the sky.

He first kept thinking about the members and what they were like. Taekwoon was one of the scary ones but that’s because he was more quiet and he looked pissed off all the time. Taekwoon gave off tsundere vibes for him, just the way he acts is tsundere-like. He was surprised Hakyeon tried to talk to him, he himself would have been horrified. And speaking of Hakyeon, he seemed very nice and comforting, even his voice was soothing enough that he could just talk to him about whatever he wanted to. But once in a while when he raises his voice, it makes him terrified. Ken was something else. Ken was so lively and bright, it’s like he brought light into the room as soon as he walks through the door or talks. Hongbin had talked to him a little bit and discovered that he actually watched anime too. One piece was one that he was obsessed with right now, he kept referring to himself as chopper, it was cute. But personally, Hongbin thought he was more like Usopp, and not just because of the nose. Hyuk was more on the timid side like Taekwoon, but he seemed more approachable. Sure they only started off with some embarrassing small talk, but he figured he would bring something up like anime or vocaloid and everyone suddenly lit up. Hyuk was a sweet kiddo, according to Hongbin, he was very formal but he told him to relax and don't use such formal words with someone whos only a year older. But either way, he was pretty adorable. And then there was Ravi. He didn’t really talk with him much, but that’s because Hongbin kept trying to know everyone else before hand. Somehow Ravi seemed approachable but somehow unapproachable, there was this kind of aura to him that was unique. Hongbin wanted to become closer to him, but he was just too nervous to begin other kinds of conversations with him too, surely he also watched One Piece and/or listened to vocaloid. 

But why was Ravi now stuck on his mind? He couldn’t figure out what was so damn special about that boy, he was like a mystery. It was cliche, but Hongbin couldn’t help but think he was some sort of main character in a story. Well, Hongbin would describe Ravi was a wanna be hiphop rapper, but then again he knew that he had another softer side. A side who likes hugging plushies and loves to hangout with friends. It was oddly comforting to think about him, he had to get closer to him somehow. Maybe it was those adorably cute puppy eyes that really made him weak at the knees.  _ Wait. Is this even right?  _ ...No no. He COULDN’T like him. No way, only as a friend. Just as a best friend and that’s it. He never would have wanted to think a guy would want to be closer than just friends. There was no way. 

_ *Bzzz Bzz* 3 new text messages from Hakyeon. _

Hongbin looked down at his phone and his heart practically sank. 

**** ****

2:48 AM

**Cha Hakyeon**

**_Hakyeon_ ** _ : Hongbin? Where are you? _

**_*2 missed calls*_ **

**_Hakyeon_ ** _ : Hongbin? Answer my phone! Ravi woke up and found that you were gone and we searched almost everywhere. _

**_*Missed call*_ **

**_Hakyeon_ ** _ : Fuck this, I’m searching for you. You better call me back! _

_ ** ** _

Well shit. Guess there was no use running away now, all he wanted to do was just stay there in his thoughts. What was he going to tell Hakyeon? Was he really mad? Was he going to punish him for running away this late in the night? His thoughts were running wild while he shed those salty tears again and sobbing into his cold hands. Why was he crying? He didn’t know, he just felt like crying as he heard heavy breathing and footsteps yelling ‘Lee Hongbin!’ Well now Hakyeon finally found him and now he couldn’t do anything else but endure his lecture.

“Why are you crying? Were you hurt?” He sat down and tried to take down one of his hands from his face. Well that was unexpected. 

“N-No. I’m o-okay,” Hongbin hiccuped while answering, he hadn’t cried this hard in so long.

“Is there something bothering you? You had me worried sick when Ravi told me you were missing-”

“Listen, I’m sorry. You can go ahead and scold me, I know I shouldn’t have run away. I just felt really stressed and with our debut soon, it made me even more stressed. I didn’t know what to do, so I just snuck out of the dorms and ran all the way here,”

Hongbin’s last few words echoed throughout the park, only the chirping of the crickets could be heard. He finally looked at Hakyeon with red and puffy eyes and just hugged him tightly. It was weird, only the second day as being a new kpop group and one of the members is already so stressed that they feel the need to just run away.

“I’ll come back. I promise. I just need to calm myself.”

“That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it here? Or do you just want to grab some food and head on back to the dorms and you can text me?” Hakyeon caressed his fingers through Hongbin’s long and messed up hair, lifting Hongbin up and fixing his bangs. He wiped away his tears and nodded while still looking at the older boy. They both agreed on going into the convenience store and getting food, they decided that they could treat the others too, maybe they were also stressed. 

[Hongbin]  _ Well this was not what I was expecting. Maybe Hakyeon isn’t so scary after all.  _ Hongbin thought as he was grabbing more ramen bowls and ramune. Hakyeon was grabbing other kinds of snacks and food and they both went to checkout and go home. As he was walking with Hongbin, he got another text from someone.

_ *Bzzz Bzzz* 1 new text message from Unknown Number _

_???: Hey Hongbin, it’s me. Wonshik. I just wanted to know if you were doing okay, you just disappeared out of nowhere and all of us were worried.  _

Worried? The others were worried for him? And here Hongbin thought only maybe a few members cared about him. So that meant Taekwoon also was worried for him, that was somehow odd since he looked so cold and heartless. He was like a tsundere. But Hongbin was more shocked at how Ravi got his number, he assumed that Hakyeon gave it to him. 

**

As the both of them returned, they entered through the door with Hakyeon coming in first. To be honest, Hongbin felt like crying his eyes out again, the feeling of embarrassment that he might get if he had gone inside first. To his surprise, everyone was laying around for some reason, maybe half of the members like Taekwoon and Ravi were dead asleep in the main room. It was quite cute seeing Leo laying his head on Ravi’s chest. Ken and Hyuk were quietly playing some board game and quickly jumped up in happiness when they saw Hakyeon. Quietly as ever, Hongbin shut the door and Ken went straight in for a hug.

“My goodness where have you been?! We were worried for you!” Ken exclaimed, making Leo jump awake from his slumber. Hyuk laughed as he saw Leo’s face, all sleepy and grumpy. 

[Hongbin]  _ He’s pretty cute when he wakes up. But still looks like he would murder someone in a split second.  _

“Ah. You’re finally back,” Leo peered over to Hongbin, looking him up and down before standing up and walking to the kitchen. Hakyeon took Hongbin’s bags and set them down along with his on the small table in the middle of the room. He sat himself on the couch near Ravi and grabbed what probably was Ken’s Chopper plush and just hugged it and buried his face in it. Oh how embarrassed he was to come back and have the members act like it was just a normal night.

“Come on everyone, let’s just eat before we go to bed again,” Hakyeon exclaimed as he brought all the snacks out the bag, Taekwoon snatched one of the ramune bottles and walked back to the living room. Hongbin could sense that he was near and that he had stopped dead in his tracks. But a tap on his shoulder with the bottle made him look up and see that he was holding the bottle to him. 

[Hongbin]  _ What? What the hell are you doing?  _ That’s what he wanted to say, but he didn’t and took the bottle from his hands, thanking him. Ken walked back to the main room and smiled as he saw Hongbin holding his huge plushie.

“It’s really comfy isn’t it? I love hugging it too,” He chuckled and nudged Ravi a little to wake him up. Hongbin had totally forgotten that Ravi was near him so he kind of choked on his ramune as he heard Ravi’s deep growly voice again. You could tell that Ravi was in a deep slumber, he was even snoring lightly at times.

“Oh. Hi, Hongbin,” He smiled as he ruffled his hair, making the younger boy nervous.

“G-Good morning?” He stuttered out embarrassingly. Hyuk burst out into laughter which made Hongbin bury his face into the plushie again.    
  
“Guys, please calm yourselves. You saw Hongbin look exhausted, give him a little break would you? And also, it’s okay Hongbin, I know you aren’t really awake right now,” Ravi sat up next to Hongbin, making him get those stupid butterflies in his stomach. The fact that he sounded tired and growly mixed with the fluffy hair and the soft scent of men’s cologne just made him even more drowsy.

[Hongbin] _ God fucking damnit, why did it need to end up like this?  _

That was his last thought before he just kind of snoozed on Ravi’s shoulder. Wonshik’s reaction was to just caress through Hongbin’s hair and lay him down on his lap so he could be more comfortable. 

_  
[Ravi]  Wait. What am I doing?  _


	3. the realization..?

**_(7 months later)_ **

It’s been a few months since Hongbin and the others have debuted as VIXX on May 24th. What a time to remember.  January 17, t he release of the 3rd single album ‘ _ On and On _ ’. Hongbin would say it’s a much newer concept than their cute and bright Rock ur Body or Superhero, and he would say it was much better than their other songs. The concept of a space vampire was thought by Hyuk, and thanks to him they had finally shot themselves into the kpop race to number one. The bright yellow contacts, black nails, bright hair and new styles, it was all so new and amazing. Although there was only one problem, everyone could not stop singing the ‘Lalalalala therapy’ part, and Hongbin found that hilarously amusing. Starlights, their fandom, were also shocked at this new kind of concept, but they all really liked it thank goodness. All they had was their 2 week promotion and then they would be good to go on making new concepts. Ravi became their main composer, with him almost making up every concept that they would probably have. Possessed voodoo dolls, cyborgs, greek gods, a bunch of really cool concepts. 

But Hongbin still had a problem, and the problem was Ravi himself. Ever since their debut, it seems as though some sort of force is always making them go together. Like whenever they are playing games, he always ends up with him and it just makes him go absolutely crazy. It’s not that he hates it but it’s just driving him mad. Who is watching over him that probably thinks that he likes Ravi and is trying to get them closer and closer? He might never know, but now isn’t the time to confess. He just needs to find the right moment and get Ravi to like him too, and just pray that he won’t be a clueless idiot. One of Hongbin’s first plans was to hangout with him more and do more VLIVES with him. He seemed to be getting somewhere, because now Ravi likes to cling onto him and just hold him while they are at home. Sometimes he wakes up to Ravi in his bed holding some plushies.

Hongbin had finally somewhat come to terms with his liking towards Ravi, but he didn’t know who to talk to about this. He felt like he couldn’t even trust Hakyeon with this kind of secret, afraid that he would just straight up tell Ravi. Taekwoon could be a good person to tell, he seems like he keeps really good secrets, AND he has finally started to open up again. But the anxiety of having someone tell a secret like that to another person was just too scary for him, so he just kept to himself for the time being. It’s been haunting him for almost a year now, thank goodness he hasn’t told anyone yet. A few times Hongbin almost slipped up and said something cheesy or flirty to him, but it worked out in some way that Ravi is also a flirty kind of guy. The kind of dude who flirts jokingly just to make someone else fall for him or just make them blush. 

It wasn’t until a few days ago that Hongbin really fell hard for him. Not exactly fell, but it made Hongbin really jealous. VIXX had started their Plan V diary where they went on vacation after this era for a break, and they were beginning to film the first episode. They had all just performed On and On and they finally were going back into the dorms. The staff had made them play the pepero game, which the objective is to get the smallest pocky stick. Two people have to get really close just to get that pocky stick to at least be smaller than 7cm. Not many were fond of this, but it was fan service so they had to do it. Everyone was partnered up and they chose Hongbin to do it with Leo.

[Hongbin]  _ Thank fucking god it isn’t ravi, I would have had a heartattack. _

Everyone ‘Oooh’-ed and Hakyeon gave out the pocky stick to the both of them. Hongbin could tell that Leo did NOT want to have any part in this, but all Hongbin wanted was for this to be over. As they got into position, Hyuk came around the corner and swooped his hand under their chins just incase the pocky fell. They all counted down, 5..4...3...2...1…

“Start!” Hakyeon yelled out and Hongbin went in as Leo stood almost closing his eyes. They got closer and closer until

_ *Crunch!* _

The very small pocky fell into Hyuk’s hand as Ken brought the measuring tape. Hongbin felt his cheeks burn from how close he was to Leo, it felt like a sin to be this close. Leo just kinda stood there and then cupped his face in embarrassment.

“Wow! It's 2 centimeters!” Hyuk stood in shock and Ravi jumped up and down in nervousness. 

Hongbin finally was relieved that it was over and that he could just watch the others suffer and get 2nd hand embarrassment. The next people were Ravi and Hyuk, Hongbin was curious of how Ravi would handle this mess. His cheeks were already beginning to turn pink and he was smiling like an idiot as Hakyeon gave them the pocky stick. And as they began, Ravi all of a sudden just shrunk and Hyuk had to bend down a little so that they could finish this. He could tell that he was just hella anxious. But something inside made Hongbin jealous, he felt like he should have done it with Ravi just to show him how to do it. But it was too late as Hyuk snapped the last piece and Ken caught it just in time.

“Aw man this ones 3.2 centimeters. Ravi why did you just shrink like that?!” Hyuk almost neck chopped Ravi. He could tell Ravi’s soul just left his body after that happened, It was quite funny, to say at least. And now it was finally the last two, Hakyeon and Ken. Hongbin was pretty confident that they would do well, he suspected that those two were the most confident out of everyone.

“Watch this boys, this is how it’s done,” Hakyeon said as he put the pocky into Ken’s mouth. Now the second hand embarrassment is kicking in. 

[Hongbin]  _ Holy fuck he’s confident  _

Then in just a span of a few moments, Hakyeon had already bitten through half of the pocky stick, making everyone squeal with anxiety. They were getting so so close to each other that their noses were touching. And then he finally bit the final piece and the very small pocky bite was left on Hyuk’s hand. 

“Holy crap! it’s 1 centimeter!” Hyuk exclaimed as Ken started laughing and Hakyeon chuckled. 

“I told you, take my advice on how it’s done!” Hakyeon scoffed at everyone. Hongbin felt his heart get anxious as his mind raced with the pictures of him and Ravi doing that same thing. Getting closer to each other that they touch noses and lock eyes. And their lips getting closer and closer… 

[Hongbin]  _ wait. What am I doing? No no no, I-I shouldn’t be thinking like that. _

[Ravi]  _ Hongbin has been suspiciously paranoid these past days, Maybe something happened?  _

_ ————————— _

_ 10:01pm _

_ [Hongbin] FUCKING HELL WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOT?! _

Hongbin kept screaming to himself almost the whole ride home from the Show Champion place, it was seriously embarrassing too. How could he think something like that? Sometimes he wondered about that stupid game, it’s just to entertain the fans and maybe give them ideas on fanfiction but do idols really enjoy it? He didn’t know the answer to that, and maybe he could care less about that answer. All he needed to do is get Ravi out of his head, but that was difficult because he shared a room with him. 

All his thoughts were a mix of what could have happened with him and Ravi if they were partnered and his head screaming at him that it was bad. His instincts told him that it isn’t right, but his heart was thinking totally different from his mind. He almost couldn’t contain his anger and frustration, it’s like he always had him in his mind. But he just plugged in his earbuds and blasted his music really loud. But he also wondered what Ravi had thought about that, and maybe what he thought about him…

**

R A V I 

[Ravi]  _ Something feels off about Hongbin, he’s been acting strange all around me since the beginning. Maybe he’s just too nervous to talk to me.  _

None of Ravi’s theories made sense, he just couldn’t figure out what was going on with Hongbin. He seemed really upset during the Show Champion thing today, but he just figured that he wasn’t in a good mood. Maybe he was just overthinking all of this and Hongbin is just a moody and cold person in general. But he looked really embarrassed during their game today. 

[Ravi]  _ Tsk, maybe I’m just overthinking. But why do I keep thinking of him?  _

He noticed how Hongbin sat in his room playing games on his bed, barely moving much. He seemed unmotivated, but Ravi didn’t know how to help. He hated the fact that he was afraid to talk to him, he seemed so nice but his scary aura made it hard for him to even speak a word. 

**

HONGBIN

For the past few days, Hongbin has just been thinking about a lot of things. He kept thinking about that stupid game that they had done and he could not stop thinking about what would have happened if he were to have been partnered up with him. Endless possibilities of what could have happened. It kept messing with his head and he felt like he was about to snap. He can’t tell him now, it is way too early, and maybe he didn’t even like him back yet. It’s like he was stuck thinking about him on loop, it felt like some sort of torture method for his heart. He wanted to tell him so bad, but he knew if he were to tell him right now, then it would get really awkward and he might just die from his stupid choice.    
  
And whenever the group would go out, he just couldn’t contain himself. He would try his best to not be anywhere close to him, but that just ended up making them come even more closer together. It’s like every game or activity that they play just somehow makes them come closer to each other, and it’s probably some curse. The more days that pass, the more he falls for that idiot, but why is that? 

[Hongbin]  _ Fucking hell. I need some alone time to gather my thoughts.  _

_ __ _

Bedtime. The time where he and Ravi are alone in the room in silence. This time he just felt weird, something was telling him to go and at least strike up a conversation. And so, he got out of bed and climbed on the top bunk. Ravi hasn’t come into the room yet, since he was in the shower and he usually took a really long time with it. It felt like he was in that damn bathroom for hours, until he had finally came into the room wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants. To be honest, he looked quite comfy and adorable. His bright orange hair really stuck out from his black clothing. He sighed deeply before looking up and seeing him.

“Oh. Hello Hongbin. What are you doing up there?” He responded in a deep and sleepy voice which sent chills down his spine and the butterflies in his stomach came back again. Oh how his voice was so nice and deep. 

“Ah, nothing, I just felt like talking with you today. What else could I do around here?”

“Valid, we haven’t talked much,” Ravi responded while he climbed on the bed and laid himself down letting out a small groan. A sharp electric chill went through his spine again, that noise he made really just made him malfunction. They just sat in silence for some time until Ravi spoke up again, startling the nervous boy.

“So how did you join here?” 

He hesitated, “W-Well, I really liked performing in front of people and I loved to sing. Even though people told me my voice wasn’t as good, I didn’t give up. I also came here for modeling because everyone always told me how I should do modeling. But now I kinda feel like everyone is just here for me just for my looks.”

Ravi smiled slightly as he looked at Hongbin with his pretty hair. It looked so fluffy and soft, like a cloud. Hongbin had noticed he was dazing off while staring at him, making him even more nervous. The goosebumps had also come in effect.

[Hongbin]  _ Man why does it have to be like this? _

[Ravi]  _ He is quite stunning if you think about it.  _

“S-Sorry about the awkwardness, I’m just not good at conversations-”

“Wait. Your shirt!” He sprung up. He looked down at his shirt, forgetting that he was wearing a One Piece shirt. He smiled and nodded as Ravi sprung up from his bed and grabbed a little Chopper plushie.

“Oh my god!” Hongbin smiled widely, suddenly feeling the room light up with comfort. 

“Ken technically gave this to me as a gift, he’s the biggest fan out of all of us. Glad to know you are one of them,” He giggled as he handed over the small and fluffy plushie into Hongbin’s hands. He grabbed it willingly and hugged it tightly while laughing. Maybe he really wasn’t as scary as he thought, Ravi does seem like a sweet guy who likes plushies and produces songs. Hongbin somehow felt comforted now that he knew Ravi shared at least one interest with him. Now he just has to get him to be interested in him….


	4. well shit....

**_(Few months later)_ **

Voodoo Doll era. ‘One of Hongbin’s best eras’ as the fans always conclude. Sure the creepy concept and the voodoo curse concept was really interesting to him, and he really liked it. The other members seemed to also enjoy the concept very well too, Starlights even were shocked at their new kind of concept. People on broadcasting stations had already started calling them ‘Concept Masters’, it was a pretty cool name hence they had only debuted a whole year ago. 

But still, Hongbin had his own problems. Now he’s been having dreams about being with Ravi and doing all sorts of things. Sometimes when he zones out he even thinks of him a little too hard and it gets somewhat heated, which makes Hongbin extra embarrassed. How was he supposed to contain all this nonsense from him? Well he was going to have to tell Ravi some time, he couldn’t keep it a secret for the rest of his life. Most of his imaginations were of them just alone and doing all sorts of cute things like holding hands and eating out together. And some of the other dreams, well, they were pretty R-Rated to say the least.

[Hongbin] _And now I’m having dreams about him in that way? Why am I torturing myself like this?_

Somehow he had also liked that feeling of butterflies in his stomach. For some reason he wanted to keep having those dreams and to keep torturing himself like this, but for what reason? There really isn’t any, for the time being he really couldn’t do anything yet. He still needed to woo Ravi in some way to get him closer to him, which is still in progress. Him and Ravi have been talking about whatever and it seemed to Hongbin that he really was warming up to him. It’s like whenever he was around him, ‘G.R.8.U’ just kept playing in his head or ‘Only U’. He finally realized that his feeling had grown so much from pre-debut, and his love for him is so much bigger. 

But nothing had happened much, apart from their photoshoots, performances and activities, they had only been talking for the most part… maybe. 

________

November 4th; 9:20pm

Hongbin had finally come back from the shower absolutely exhausted from all the work that they did these past weeks. Ravi had gone out the door and as he did, Hongbin flopped onto his bed and just screamed into his pillow. He didn’t know why he did that, but it felt good to just yell it out. He rolled over after a few minutes of screaming, holding the small Chopper replica plushie that Ravi had gifted him on his birthday. It still had his scent on it so it was pretty comforting. Sometimes the scent made him feel crazy and wanting to just be in bed with him, but of course he had to control himself. 

Like usual, Ravi comes in at least an hour later only wearing an oversized sweatshirt and shorts. He looked extra comfortable today because his hair turned all fluffy and soft like a cloud. Hongbin sat up from his bed and grabbed the small Chopper plushie. Ravi looked at him and smiled softly.

“You really like that plush, don’t you?” He giggled as he sat next to Hongbin. He got a whiff of his nice scent, and the smell of strawberries and flowers overflowed his senses. He smelled so nice, even though his charisma seemed so dark and powerful, he actually was a very soft kind of person. He just wanted to hug him at that moment.

“Yeah, of course I do. Ken tried to steal it a few times but no worries I got him back,” Hongbin chuckled as he hugged the plush again. Ravi got up and grabbed his own Chopper plush and sat back down next to Ravi. He started talking but he didn’t hear anything. He was speaking about something but it wasn’t coming to his ears. It’s like he had blocked out his voice and Hongbin could only see him. 

[Hongbin] _W-What are you...saying?_

Pretty boy. That’s what Hongbin always called Ravi. His mind was just filling with memories of him and Ravi, and his dreams. But the loud silence was being broken by him, yelling out Hongbin’s name.

“HONGBIN!” Ravi waved his hand in front of his face, snapping him out of the dream-like state. He didn’t know what happened, and he was breathing quite heavily. 

“Hey, are you doing okay? You seem-”

“N-No sorry, I zoned out. I--I didn’t mean to. What were you talking about?”

“Oh no, I was rambling about stupid things. You should maybe get to bed,” Ravi patted his shoulder and climbed up on his bed. His heart was beating so fast, why was that? He had only talked about the plushies that they both had, so what happened to that?

[Hongbin] _I really should get sleep. Maybe that would clear out my mind…_

___________________________

[H O N G B I N]

_He’s still in bed. Hongbin looked up at Ravi snoring lightly on the top bunk. He found how cute he looked when he was sleeping with all of his plushies. He was still wearing Hongbin’s old sweatshirt that he had given him, somehow it made him feel so loved._

_Hongbin climbed on to his bed and sat at the edge for a while. He held his breath as he heard him groan and move a slight bit. The goosebumps came back along with the butterflies, he had forgotten how nice he sounds sometimes. He proceeded to uncover a side of his blanket and tucked himself in with Ravi, freezing as he heard Ravi twist over to his side._

_“Oh fuck,” He swore under his breath. He could smell his scent again, strawberries and roses again, it was becoming a comfort scent for him in some way. He could also hear his soft snores, which sent shivers down his spine once again. But the worst part was when he could feel his hand wrap around his waist, pulling him closer until his back touched his chest. Hongbin felt his heart race, afraid that he would put his hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. But somehow he actually enjoyed this too, it was like heaven and torture at the same time._

_He heard Ravi groan again but this time it was right near his ear and practically made him twitch out of embarrassment, he also had put his leg over one of Hongbin’s thighs._

_“R-Ravi?” He tried to twist over to face Ravi but when he did, he saw that he was awake and staring at him sinfully. Hongbin felt his cheeks turn red and he tried to hide his face under the covers. He felt his hand bring his head up to face him. They were only a mere few centimeters from just crashing their lips together._

_“You know. You are quite gorgeous,” Ravi growled at him while taking his other hand that was under the sheets. The pure embarrassment that he felt was just over the roof, he was literally IN bed with his own crush._

_“I-I..” He tried to respond but they…_

_____________

“Hongbin!” A voice echoed throughout the room, jolting him awake. He looked around the room frantically to see him just standing near his bed, almost laughing loudly. Hongbin looked at him confused.

“W-What happened?” He held his plushie tightly against him, making Ravi burst out into laughter.

“Bro, did you even hear yourself? I fucking thought you were doing something to yourself with all those groans and stuff,”

[Hongbin] _I... Wait a minute. WHAT?! I FUCKING DID WHAT?!_

[Ravi] _Wonder what kind of dream he had, sounded pretty intriguing if you ask me, hehe._

**________________________________________________________ **

**_(One day later…)_ **

[Hongbin]  _ MOTHERFUCKING SHIT WHAT???? DID I REALLY MAKE NOISES IN MY SLEEP? _

He kept cursing at himself and screaming, which was a good thing that the members had left to go out. He couldn’t even stand the thought of being next to Ravi, let alone be even remotely near his presence. That moment is engraved in his mind, ‘Bro, did you hear yourself? I fucking thought you were gonna do something to yourself with all those groans and stuff’. It made him just shudder at the thought of needing to be even near him. 

But what if he asks what he was dreaming about? He couldn’t just answer that it was about Ravi because he might think that it’s weird and he might not be friends with Hongbin anymore. It could possibly scar him for life and then he couldn’t even face him again. But alas, he tried not to think that way and prayed that he wouldn’t ask him about anything. 

**

Throughout the day, since the other members were out for almost the whole day, Hongbin just kept binge eating and watching anime like usual. Was the stress really getting to him that hard? It was just a strange and heated dream, doesn’t everyone have those kinds of dreams at least once in their life. He hadn’t ever binged this hard though, screaming into his pillow at least every single hour that he stayed in his room. But the more he yelled, the more he felt his body get exhausted and even his vocal cords felt numb. 

“Why am I so mad about this? He won’t ask about this of course,” He told himself as he walked out of the room with the Chopper plushie. He sat himself in the living room and sighed deeply as his tears came freely. In no way this was supposed to upset him that much, maybe it was just the stress of overthinking. He did want to just hug someone, and not just his plushie. He just wanted to hug someone and spill out his emotions to. He thought about some people in the group who he could tell his secret to, and Hakyeon was probably the best person to go to. Hongbin began to trust him more as time went by, and he seemed like a good secret keeper. It was quite embarrassing honestly, telling another person that he had a crush on someone who lived in the same dorm as them? What a joke. He kept reminding himself that he was going to have to tell the truth and spill out his feelings. Although it was hard to admit, he had to consider it. 

After sitting in silence, somewhat comforted by the Chopper plush, Hongbin decided he might as well tell Hakyeon now. He could help him in some way, right?

“Maybe I’ll say it in person.” He said to himself, bringing out his phone and going onto Youtube. ‘Voodoo Doll MV’, he searched up and found the video. He was pretty proud of this, the whole video was a really cool aesthetic and everyone looked so damn nice. The only problem was that he felt sick the whole time, during the recording of the MV, dancing, acting, he was sick the whole time. And so he was sent early home because he genuinely felt like throwing up, and he wasn’t even sick at the fact the beginning of the mv is so gorey. So he missed out on some of the members acting like Hyuk, Ken and ….Ravi. And so the MV began.

Ravi began, _ ‘ _ _ You shot right through my heart..I will fight for you, ooh la’ _

[Hongbin]  _ Holy shit, I forgot how deep his voice is...Ugh it’s so nice _

Goosebumps spread throughout his body as the MV continued. The part where they had to lift Ken off the ground is one of the hardest dance parts of their choreo. As the parts went by, he was impressed by the editing of the members, everyone looked so spooky and amazing. Even Leo had scared him a little with his acting. He enjoyed looking at himself as he acted like a crazy possessed person trying to attack that girl. The whole MV was fascinating to him, even though they were the ones that worked on the whole song and choreography. 

_ ‘Should I go should I stay, Nobody knows…’ _

Ravi’s rap, Hongbin heard it so many times that he had memorized all the words in almost a week. And he kept singing that same part over and over again during their promotion because it was so catchy. But he felt so guilty for doing that, he didn’t know why, but he just felt this guilt that he shouldn’t be obsessing over someone like that. Overall, Hongbin was really impressed with how the video turned out and shut off his phone again. He laid his head back and loosened his arms so the plush had fallen onto the couch. The dim lit living room made him feel sleepy again, he felt oddly comforted as he went into a dream-like state. But was interrupted by the keys jingling and the hustle of the members walking into the dorm. Hakyeon was the first to come in and Hongbin shot up from his seat.

“Hakyeon-”

“No worries, I just need to get comfortable then we can talk” 

[Hongbin]  _ At least he remembered about that...How do I say this to him? Oh Hakyeon, please help me out.  _

_ _________ _ _   
_ _ [In Hongbin’s room] _

Hakyeon sat on Hongbin’s bed, invested in what he was going to say. Hongbin had locked the door thankfully and he felt a little more comfortable with him. He prayed that Hakyeon would understand his feelings and hopefully give some advice on it.

“So what did you need to tell me? I’m all ears”

….Silence. 

“I..I have a problem. I think I like someone,” Hongbin sputtered out as he hid his face in his hands, feeling his cheeks burn up. Hakyeon’s tone didn’t change one bit though, as if he had seen this coming.

“Ah, a crush isn’t it? That’s alright. Do you want advice? Do you maybe want to tell me who the special person is?” Hakyeon put his hand on Hongbin’s back, making him cock his head to face him. Hakyeon was slightly smiling, which made him want to just burst into tears. But it was like he saw through him so clearly.

“Is it the one above your bed?” He whispered. Hongbin nodded in response, throwing himself into Hakyeon’s arms and quietly sobbing.

He didn’t know why he was crying. Or maybe because it was the fear of Hakyeon scolding him and telling him that it was wrong of him to like another member. But in a way, he finally got something off his chest, and to someone that he hoped that he could trust.

“B-but,” Hongbin began, “I don’t...I-I--What do I do?” His voice whimpered as he choked on his tears. Hakyeon wiped away his tears and chuckled.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. I can help you, we still love you,”

“But pleas--e, keep t--this a secret,” Hongbin coughed out. Hakyeon nodded his head in agreement. 

[Hakyeon]  _ How interesting. I suspected that he probably liked Ravi. The way he acts around him is always so suspicious. Oh, young love. _

[Hongbin]  _ I’m counting on you, Hakyeon… _


	5. jealousy fills the air

**_May 27th [ETERNITY]_ **

What a sad era this is, even sadder for Hongbin. His jealousy just rose up so high that it seemed way too dangerous for him to even be around Ravi. Hakyeon had been giving him advice lately, and of course it has been working, but the problem was that he became way too physically attached to him. Like he was almost fully dependent on Ravi. Sure, they both played games with each other until morning and hung out almost every day, but he thought there was surely something missing as well.

The whole time while they were preparing for the music video, the others always talked about some girl that was going to be joining their music video. Hongbin wasn’t really interested in all that talk, in fact, he actually didn’t care about girls anymore. And the more the members talked about them, the more he just wanted to punch them, but what reason did he have to want to punch the members? Talking about the opposite sex was totally normal, it wasn’t forbidden and shunned sometimes like them talking about the same sex.

Hongbin never understood the hype for girls for the past few months. Yes, he of course thought girls were pretty in their own way, and he didn’t mind their confidence, but he was just never interested in talking about them. But looking at the members talking about the girl just made him sick. Especially since they were all talking about how Ravi was going to dance with her.

Dance. With her?

[Hongbin] _W-Wait, what did they just say?_

“I heard they chose Ravi. You are one lucky man,” Ken exclaimed happily, slapping his friends' shoulders. Ravi chuckled.

[Hongbin] _please...stop talking…._

“I also heard she’s very pretty,” Hyuk picked his phone up and started swiping on it.

[Hongbin] _no no no, please stop-_ He felt like crying and just telling him right there and then

Then Hyuk turned his phone around and showed the picture of the girl. Ravi took it from his hands and zoomed in on her face.

Hongbin could feel his heart shatter as he saw her face, of course she was more gorgeous than him. He felt dizzy. Maybe even light-headed as he stood up and walked out the door.

“Hongbin? Where are you-”

“I’m going to the bathroom, Leo, I feel kinda sick again,” Hongbin faked a stomach ache and ran out, his tears finally coming. His vision was blurry and the staircase looked so discombobulated and messy. He felt like he was choking, was he just overreacting?

[Hongbin] _I’m gonna die...Im gonna…_

He ran back into the dorms and into his room, screaming his lungs out. Why was he so upset about his crush talking about a pretty woman, let alone just studying her features. Was he overreacting? Was this a little too much? He started to shake as he fell on his bed, grabbing the Chopper plushie Ravi had gifted him. He sobbed, his throat felt so tense like he was choking, why was his heart in so much pain? Can’t he just forget about this stupid thing?

He heard the sound of the main door opening and Hongbin flipped himself over onto the bed, covering his face to stop crying. But he could still feel himself shaking.

[Hongbin] _Can’t I just have some fucking peace and quiet?_

“Hongbin? Are you okay?” Hakyeon knocked on the bathroom door, with no answer. He moved onto his own door and since it was unlocked, he opened it to find Hongbin lying on the bed. He was trying not to make any noise so he would have thought Hongbin was asleep. But that failed as he accidentally hiccuped multiple times before Hakyeon spoke again.

“Hey hey, what’s going on? You-”

“Hakyeon, please. I’m getting too jealous of this shit...you have to help me,” Hongbin cried out and covered his mouth as his tears came running down his face. Hakyeon scooted over so that he could give him a shoulder to cry on. He’d never seen him in this kind of state, jealous and overwhelmed.

“Beans, it’s alright. It’s okay to be jealous and want to cry,” He caressed his back as he heard more of his sobs, “you aren’t alone with this feeling, I also cry when I get too jealous of something or someone.”

“B-but....this is so much more…” Hongbin couldn’t even sputter his words out without gasping for air, Hakyeon felt like he wanted to cry with him as well. He couldn’t stand seeing him like this, crying over his crush talking about another female. 

Hongbin kept hugging Hakyeon for comfort, and didn’t let go until he could finally speak some words. He could feel his jealousy, like it was some sort of telepathic feeling. The sorrow this boy felt was even inflicting pain onto himself, but all he could do was just sit and hug him until he stopped crying….

___________________

Recording Day

How dreadful, Hongbin thought. He already had seen the girl come up and introduce herself, but he wasn’t very fond of her. Sure, she was pretty and she had a nice dress, but nothing stood out to him. But the others were so shy around her, it’s like they have never even talked to one girl in their life, but that felt a little too mean to say around them. And so, Hongbin felt like he was wearing his mask again, covering up his jealousy and frustration. 

While recording, Hakyeon and Ken had both come up to him, alone in a corner. Apparently, Ken was curious as to what happened to him last night, and asked Hakyeon if he could tell him. It was like his stomach had fallen out of him, tell Ken that he was gay for Ravi? What in the world would he say? Hongbin was afraid he would skip his ass over to Ravi and just tell him right there in front of him. 

Hongbin shook in his own shoes as he whispered to Ken about what happened, he seemed...understanding. Like he had known this for a while.

“Ah, so you were jealous of the girl? Not going to lie, I kinda am too,” Ken chuckled as he whispered back to Hongbin. “Don’t stress it, I’m not going to tell him, but I at least know why you get so jittery and anxious around him,”

[Hongbin] _well at least he’s being honest_

And as time ticked, it was now break time for all of them. All the boys went down for some korean BBQ, but Hongbin didn’t really have an appetite for food right now. Even Ken and Hyuk’s excited gestures and movements didn’t excite him, and Leo had also noticed. 

All the same lyrics replayed in his head, _[ ...또 뭐라 뭐라 하는 건지, 귀에 꽂히지 않아, 내 맘은 너 하나뿐인걸…. 내 말끝마다 배어있는 너 Yeah, 내 말끝마다 쏟아지는 너 Yeah... ]_ It just couldn’t escape his head, he wanted to sob in Hakyeon’s arms again like he did back a few weeks ago. Leo had sat next to him and noticed how bummed out he looked, and so, without speaking any words, he texted him and then nudged his shoulder. Hongbin looked up at Leo, and he gestured to look at his phone. 

**Leo Hyung:** _hey, are you doing okay? You don’t seem as hyped for BBQ as you usually do.._

Hongbin looked back at leo and began typing,

**Hongbin:** _I dunno. I just don’t have an appetite for some reason...something is just bothering me and i feel like crying_

**Leo Hyung:** _what’s on your mind? I’m not going to judge, i’m just worried about you_

Hongbin wanted to let Leo know, but he also had this feeling that he shouldn’t, his heart was telling him to not tell him but his brain told him to let him know. Overwhelmed, he stood up from his seat and walked out the door

“Give me a moment, I just need to step out,” He said and eyed Leo, and he stood up as well to walk out. Both of them turned away from the restaurant and Hongbin sighed heavily. He could feel those hot tears coming in, but he felt like a wuss if he had cried in front of Leo.

“It’s about Ravi...I’m having conflicted feelings about him, and I’m jealous of that damn girl,” He said while lowering his head and letting his tears come in again. “And my heart feels like it’s shattering…” He started to sob, and Leo brought him in his embrace.

Leo felt bad for him, although he knew something was going on, he didn’t expect it to be like this. Hongbin sobbed into his shoulder, just like with Hakyeon, and just felt so vulnerable.

“You’re jealous of the girl? The one-”

“THE ONE THAT HAS TO DANCE WITH HIM, YES,” He cried out while still crying into his shoulder, becoming a sobbing mess. But all Leo felt like he could do it just to let him cry on his shoulder until he could finally stop crying.

“Well, thankfully you finished recording everything today, so I assume you can go back to the dorms if you don’t feel that well...It’s jealousy I can tell.” Leo wiped away Hongbin’s tears. “I’ve had those feelings too, it’s okay.”

“B-But you won’t tell him, right?”

“Why would I tell him? I don’t want to out you like that and then make myself feel shitty for that,”

[Hongbin] _The others seem to understand...kind-of…_

They stood outside for some time and once Hongbin had finally calmed down, they went back inside and he now had some sort of appetite to eat.

___________

Back at the recording studio, it was finally time for Ravi’s parts in the music video, and the dreaded small dance with the girl. Now that Ken and Leo knew about this, they were probably eyeing him so they could see his reaction. He stared at them with a burning passion of hatred as he saw those two waltz around slowly and laughing every once in a while. He hated that, he loathed it. He couldn’t get himself to look at those two directly in the eyes, Hongbin wanted to be the girl.

He had a mix of frustration and jealousy fill up his body, as he watched them dance slowly to the music. And he had wished he was that girl, the girl dancing with his crush. He still couldn’t stand looking at them, it made him sick.

[Hongbin] _this...isn’t right….why should it be a female?_


	6. almost caught

**_[Chained Up]_ **

[Hongbin]

We all finally arrived at the recording place for part of the music video, a tall abandoned building stood in front of us. Ken and Hyuk were running around at the bottom level to try and get themselves warmed up, which was a good idea because it was actually very cold. I was shivering even though he was wearing a large puffy coat. The managers and staff who carried the heavy equipment instructed us to start from the 3rd level and then we made our way up. 

Everyone seemed jittery and they all kept going to Ken and annoying the hell out of him, which was hilarious in a way. Hakyeon was trying to keep Ravi warm but he kept groaning and trying to escape his embrace, which I found pretty cute, but oh how I wanted to hold him. Instead of Hakyeon, it could have been me...

As we made our way up, the air became even more bitterly cold, and everyone was trying to hug each other or use hand warmers on their face. Can’t blame them, we were only wearing black button-up shirts with pants and a choker, of course, we would be freezing our asses off in like 40-50 degree weather with strong winds. And the funniest part, it seemed like the air was poisoning everyone since they were all acting crazy and bonkers. Leo was giggling with Hyuk and Hakyeon, Ravi was with Ken and he was recording him laughing like a maniac. I walked over to Ravi and started laughing at his crow impression. I turned to look at Ravi who was next to me and I accidentally zoned out while I was looking at his pretty side profile. 

He really looked handsome with his hair up and that choker on his neck, even I could tell he was laughing for real. His laugh was really unique and loud as well, sometimes I wanted to slap that smile off his face for some reason, but for now, I really liked seeing it. 

Ken suddenly paused as he looked at the staircase from where they had entered the roof, there was another girl in a really pretty dress and covered with a blanket and a poofy jacket.

[Fucking great, another girl? Wait, why am I so jealous?]

“It’s been so long!!” Ken exclaimed as he ran over to her, hugging her tightly as she laughed. 

[oh so Ken hyung knows her? At least it isn’t Ravi…]

She had a really nice voice though, I walked up to Ken while they were talking and the other members followed. It seemed like he really knew her somehow, was she going to be the girl in the music video like they talked about? 

“Hey! Simmer down, would you? You’re being so hyper today when it’s freezing out here” She patted his back while laughing

“Hey I have to do something to keep myself warm. Aren’t you from a cold place though?”

“Ken, I wasn’t born in russia you know that,” She laughed at him again

“You’re a foreigner? Wah, no wonder, you literally look like a doll,” Hyuk held out his hand and she placed it on his and nodded. 

She wasn’t that tall but she was also wearing heels so she was near our height now. She also had some of the prettiest eyes I had ever seen. Green with a blue rim around it, it’s nothing that I have ever seen before-

Hakyeon interrupted my thoughts, “You have the most gorgeous eyes ever, what is your name?” I could tell Ken was getting jealous because of the attention that was put on her. 

“I’m Julia, it’s nice to meet you boys,” She gummy smiled again, it was so adorable. I think Leo was also swayed by her, he smiled like an idiot just looking at her. But something seemed a little suspicious between her and Ken, they seemed a little _too_ close in some way. But I couldn’t put my finger on what was ticking me off? Was it the way he looked at her? Or was it the way he couldn’t control his talking around her, babbling about anything and everything? 

* * *

“Finally somewhere warm,” She shivered as everyone walked into the other building studio. The room was dark with only a dim purple light shining down on the set, then changing colors to blue, green, yellow, and so on. Ken was holding her hand while walking through the set, and the other members were careful to not step on the long part of her dress, it was pretty and white, so no one wanted to get it dirty. 

I was still suspicious about Ken, but why do I care if he probably likes her or not? Or maybe I’m just overthinking stuff...maybe. 

“Here, Kirbs, take my hand warmers,” he whispered.

“Kirbs?” I questioned him.

“Oh, I call her Kirby sometimes, it’s just a nickname,” He giggles and turns back to Julia again. But I guess I shouldn’t mind it, he seemed really happy around her. And if only I could feel the same kind of feeling as his dumbass.

Suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder and it was Ravi himself. He gestured to me and then called Ken and Julia to hurry up and get with the staff and start recording. Even when he was close to me, he was even more handsome up close. But I almost felt myself falling and almost becoming even closer as I thankfully stepped aside and kept walking to the others like there wasn’t a problem

[Holy shit that was close, I think I’m just tired…] 

* * *

[exit hongbin]

A few days before their recording of the music video, Hongbin was desperately running back and forth in his room, horrified at what he almost spilled to everyone. Sure the other members kept their mouth shut, but Hyuk and Ravi were the only ones that didn’t know about his secret. Hyuk had overheard his and other members' conversations and almost decided to tell Ravi at that moment. Panicked, Hongbin tried to stay as calm as possible so Ravi wouldn’t get suspicious and think that what Hyuk said was true. The worst things possible kept running through his mind, what if Ravi would just get up and leave him? Would he be uncomfortable around Hongbin? Would he bully the shit out of him for being like this?

[Hongbin] _I think I’m about to throw up from this anxiety…_

Vigorously hugging the plushie that Ravi gifted him, he silently sat, shaking and crying, but not making any noise whatsoever. Had he not told Hakyeon and the others, this would have never happened in the first place. The panic spread through his body as he wanted to just throw up all that anxiety, he couldn’t bear the thought of Ravi hating him. Was it stupid of him to just blurt it out to the others? What will Hakyeon say about it? Oh how much he wanted to rip his hurt heart out of his chest, stab it so many times so it can stop having feelings for another man. They were right, it was strange, a guy liking another guy was horrible. But why? Why did his old toxic friends say it was wrong? It was like that hatred was already inside him and yelling at him to stop having these feelings. How many times they had joked and said slurs, and Hongbin did nothing to stop those scumbags. Nothing, he just let those words float around, and he thought that was normal.

“Who am I…..why am...I…” He started to choke on his tears again. Although he was afraid of Ravi coming in, he didn’t want to care. It was hard hiding all this when he’s always around him and never can get off his back. That’s why Hongbin acted all bitchy and bratty at times, that was to hide all those feelings away. Sometimes he would feel bad because he thinks that he might hurt the others feelings if Hongbin talks to them. But they actually don’t mind for some reason. Everyone but Ravi had a suspicion that something was going on with Hongbin.

He sat up, still hugging the plush, and wiping his tears away while he choked for air. Those same thoughts ran through his head, why did he act like this, isn’t this technically wrong? Was he broken? He didn’t have enough time to answer before Leo knocked on the door and peeked his head in. Hongbin quickly flipped to his side and pretended to sleep and tried to stay as quiet as possible. Which didn’t work, the hiccups came in and he cried silently again.

Leo closed the door and sat on the bed. “Woah there, are you okay?” That sent him flying into his arms and sobbing into his chest. Shocked and confused, he hugged him back and caressed his back.  
  


“There, there, what’s going on? Did something happen?”  
  


Hongbin choked on his tears as he took his phone out to type. 

_Leo, am I broken? Why do I have feelings for Wonshik?_

“You aren’t broken, Hongbin. I promise you that, no one is going to judge you for liking him. Did Hyuk say or do something that made you afraid?

_...i don’t know if he was joking or not- but i think he almost told him_

Leo sighed and began again, “I’ll talk to him. But I promise that none of us will tell him until you yourself are ready to tell him. Understand?” Hongbin nodded and hugged leo tighter.

“D...D-Don’t go...y-yet,” He whispered while letting out small sobs. Leo kept holding him as he looked out the window and into the sunset. Leo somewhat understood his struggle now, he was in so much pain and confusion he didn’t know what to do. It’s not that he had those kinds of feelings, but he somewhat understood the pain of having a crush on someone, and not knowing if they like them back or not. But his situation is a little different.

“T...Taekwoon..” He looked up at him. “You have to help me..”

Leo nodded and just sat with the crying boy until he finally calmed down and fell asleep in his arms. He lied him down and gave him the plush to hold, tucking him in before he left the room. Hakyeon noticed Leo and walked over to him

“What happened? Was he…?”

  
  
He nodded and Hakyeon nodded back. 

“Is he going to come out and eat? Or should I just bring something to him?” Hakyeon asked before Ravi stood in his way

“Sorry just need to get through,” He said. But before the other two can stop him, he walked in and quietly closed the door. Ravi noticed the sleeping Hongbin and smiled a little, he was adorable when he slept with his plush. It gave his heart a little jump-start so that he felt much happier, even though he was stupidly oblivious to see how tightly Hongbin was hugging the plush. It meant the whole world to him, really. 

Ravi came over and sat on the floor near Hongbin’s bed. He could hear him softly breathing as he looked over to see his slightly messy black hair. Something inside him said to go and touch it, but he resisted the urge, he wanted him to sleep peacefully.But he only thought he was exhausted, which he was, but all the sobbing and the tears that he laid on Taekwoon's shirt made his headache worse and eventually go to sleep. Ravi did notice the small tear drops on the blanket and pillow, but he assumed that was just some water that he had spilled. 

  
  


[Ravi:] _He really is quite the cute boy… sometimes my heart flutters when I see him_

Hongbin kept hugging the plush tightly, just imagining that it was him who he was hugging. He was starting to understand...a little. He didn’t just want to stay friends, or colleagues, that was stupid to him. He knew he couldn’t keep this a secret much longer, but he needed to wait until he was ready. Maybe that wouldn’t be until many more years after VIXX might be gone. He didn’t know just yet, he still needed Hakyeon’s advice on this...


End file.
